Evolution

Many, if not all, prominent people in the poly movement are fond of saying that poly isn’t evolved; it’s not inherently better than mono; monogamy is ok if that’s what you choose.

I respectfully disagree. This is not to say that I believe poly people are “evolved” or inherently better than mono people. People are incredibly flawed living organisms capable of fucking up any ideal they choose to pursue. What I am saying is that, as an abstract concept, poly > mono.

This is not a new thought for me, but it’s one that resurfaced just now. The main difference of course is the petty jealousy. No, wait, hear me out. Yes, I know the whole “jealousy isn’t bad” mantra. That’s why I specify petty jealousy. Jealousy that has no rational component behind it.

Now I know poly relationships aren’t immune to petty jealousies, and monogamous relationships can and do exist without them, but taking these concepts in the abstract, in the ideal form, polyamory does not condone petty jealousy and monogamy reinforces it. Poly says “it’s ok to love more than one”, and mono says “it’s never ok to love more than one”. Except when we say these things, what we really mean is not “love”, it’s “sex”. Or at the very least “romantic love” (love with the intent/desire for sex). Monogamy fully allows you to love both (or more) of your parents, all your grandparents, children, pets, siblings, etc. If you had two sisters, and one sister flew into a jealous rage because you loved the other, you’d think she was insane, and have her committed.

In polyamory, ideally, we are free to love whoever we want, in whatever quantity we desire, with any level of physical intimacy we choose. (yes, I know, reality is seldom so polyanna)

In monogamy, things are slowly getting better, but it once was considered perfectly reasonable and even legally ok, to murder the person you love (and the person you caught them with) if you caught them being physically intimate with somebody else. That’s the reality. The ideal doesn’t contain anything that strongly counters that, save for the idea that you should cherish each other “til death do you part”… Which is quite possibly why murdering a loved one is as common as it is. You’re not even supposed to say “ok, this isn’t working anymore, let’s go our separate ways.” You’re supposed to stick it out until somebody dies.

OK, maybe I’m not being entirely fair to monogamy as an ideal there. That’s a particular (though extremely common) human application to the ideal. But you get the picture. If you travel far from your partner(s), and you meet somebody you take a keen interest in… there’s no harm (outside of potential STD or pregnancy – both of which can be protected against) to the partner(s) in exploring that relationship. Most people, statistically speaking, recognize this fact. Under a poly ideal, there’s absolutely no problem with such a thing, and you can indulge without guilt. Under a mono ideal…. well… there’s a reason the phrase “what happens **** stays ****” exists. There’s a reason that polls show such a high rate of cheating (which is arguably lower than reality, since some people will not admit to having cheated to some pollster). Monogamy says that, even if your actions have no impact whatsoever, other than to make your life a bit happier, you still shouldn’t do it. And this is flawed. People realize this is flawed, and so they cheat the system. But cheating is bad, so why don’t we just change systems?

Poly is not cheating.

I find that I have to keep reminding myself this, because my urges to experience new partners (or past partners again) has skyrocketed, but A and B have declared that now is not a good time for me to get physically or emotionally involved with anybody else, AND… I’m home less than 50% of the time. So I have a triad, but I spend most of my time completely alone. There’s many women I’d like to get to know better in one fashion or another, but I’m not allowed. And some nights I don’t care. Fortunately, those nights have never coincided with opportunity. :-p

This is the pain of being a poly involved with, really, two monogamous women.

I don’t like being locked down like this, but I also do not want to leave my loves, nor be a cheater. I’m feeling trapped. What to do?

Motivation

Can I haz it?

Or, to go old-school, brother can you spare a kick-in-the-pants?

Motivation has been a problem for me universally these days. I can’t seem to get motivated to do much of anything other than live. One look back at the New Year’s resolutions I made shows that, 7.5 months into the year, I’ve not yet accomplished (or set a pace to accomplish) even the feeblest of them.

More to the point, I seem to have lost my motivation to blog (or Tweet, or post to Facebook) since my poly world dwindled to just the “boring” stable triad that I’ve had for the better part of a decade, and I am not happy with that. I never intended this blog to just be a forum for me ranting about the goings-on in my drama-filled relationships, but that’s more or less what it turned into, and when the drama died, so did the blog. Not that I don’t occasionally desire to write something. In fact, I had two ideas yesterday that I wanted to put into words here, but I failed to be alone at a keyboard to type them in before the ideas were gone. I lack focus, in addition to motivation. I wish there was some way to simply *think* an idea into a text file. A neural interface for Evernote, maybe. That would rock.

And for the second time this spring/summer I’ve gone into Google Reader and simply hit the “Mark all as read” button, which means not only am I not contributing to the community anymore, but I’m also more or less completely removed from it. Discouraging and disappointing, but I’ll see what I can do to overcome it because you guys and gals do tend to rock.

Jeet Poly Do

So I’m away from home, and reading Bruce Lee’s “Tao of Jeet Kune Do”. It’s about fighting, but it’s also not about fighting. It’s about life. I was intrigued by the following quotes:

“Understanding oneself happens through a process of relationships and not through isolation.”

“To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.”

I paused here, and reflected on this for a bit, but nothing clicked, and I moved on.

Later in the week, I met an attractive lady. An attractive lady who is also smart, demanding, cheerful, and a bit silly. I knew right away I wanted to spend more time with her, and so I did. Funny how I had to travel half way around the world to meet somebody who lives less than 2 hours from my house.

So I spent time getting to know her on a social level, after work (something I would never have the time/ability to do back home), and I would invariably arrive back in my hotel room tired and inebriated, and with somebody or another online to talk to (like C). And after a few days of this, the power of Bruce Lee’s words started to sink in. I’m not just getting to know this new person, I am also (when I take the time to actually reflect on things) learning more about myself. It’s not about how she acts, or how I act, it’s about how we interact.

It’s over now, or mostly so. This new lady has gone back home a few days ago, and I am still here for a few more days. I doubt our paths will cross again other than the occasional work day, but I look forward to the possibility we may one day share wine again, or see another sunset together. Possibly more. Or maybe we’ll simply talk and smile and laugh without pursuing anything further than simple friendship.

My one regret is that A and B found out about it via the internet before I had the occasion to talk to them about it myself, and that was hurtful to them. I should have tried harder to let them know, or at least prepare them that I have something to talk to them about. But the nice thing is, they were pretty understanding about it, and I immediately new I had fucked up in not telling them right away and apologized, so even if I’m not perfect I am getting better. I’ll need some time to reflect on how we interact (together and as pairs) once I get home. Maybe we can all benefit from this episode.

Still alive.

Just a quick post to say, “Yeah, I’m still here.” One of these days I’ll even start blogging again. Maybe someday soon. I miss being a part of this little (or not so little, really) online poly community. For now, though, it’s off to work and on to the weekend.

Musing.

Hi, everybody. Long time, no blog.

I was reading an obnoxious little article on CNN today that tried really hard to shed a negative light on non-romantic sexual relationships. The title of the article is “The downside of friends with benefits” but the link from the main page is even worse: ‘Friends with benefits’ spread STDs.
Here’s a sample paragraph:

Experts in sexually transmitted diseases say they’ve become increasingly concerned about the trend toward having what they call “sexual involvement in nonromantic contexts” — the technical term for hookups or “friends with benefits” — because they’re especially likely to spread sexually transmitted diseases.

I’m left wondering when romance became a barrier against STD’s…

Of course they go on to say, after several sex-negative paragraphs, that

When people have sex with a friend, they tend to be more trusting that the person doesn’t have a sexually transmitted disease and therefore fail to use a condom, she says.

Well that makes a lot more sense… Lack of proper precautions enhances the likelihood of getting a disease, not “nonromantic relations”.

Towards the end of the article, they give some statistics about what percentages of people have which diseases, and they point out the rates are higher amongst teens and/or black people. Which leads me to one question: Is the rate of STD’s more strongly related to wealth? I never seen any study pursue that.

That’s it; show’s over.

Pretty much right after I started this blog (I consider the official start date to be Dec. 1st), my relationship with C hit the rocks. Drama-central. Long story short, I tried like hell to save the relationship, tried everything I could think of, offered to do anything it took (to the response of “I don’t know”)…
The final straw was… well… complicated. There’s many pieces:
C and D violated the fluid bond agreement established by A and B, who do not accept condoms as a safe alternative to getting new partners tested. Of course, C was never told she couldn’t have sex with D, just that she needed to tell me if she did so I could stop having sex with her.
Well… she never told me. Possibly because we “stopped having sex” as a result of her complaint that it seemed to her like I was “just there for the sex”. Well, apparently as soon as I stopped, she started with D. Then there was the one night where she initiated play with me, and things went further than she anticipated (because, duh, she got me all worked up then rolled over and said “OK, I’m done”.)
So at some point D mentions to B “we are being safe and using condoms”… Huh? Well, we never actually had a chance to talk to him to go over the rules, but C was supposed to have….
B confronts C, who says “no, we aren’t having sex”.
I confront D, who says “yes, we are”.
C throws a conniption because “I don’t trust her”.
B throws a conniption because “C lied to her” (which I don’t know for certain, but believe is true).
I refuse to leave C because, honestly, B is prone to hearing things that aren’t said, and not hearing things that are said. There’s a reasonable doubt that this is all just a misunderstanding.
A and B both want to talk to C and settle things so that they can stop being angry.
C declines
C invites us all out to dinner, but declines to have a discussion, so A and B decline to go, which results in C phoning me, wherein the first words out of her mouth after I say “hello” are “fuck you”. She then proceeds to lay into ME for A and B wanting to talk things over with her. Tells me we are NEVER having sex again, and swears to me that the one time we had sex after she started with D was all my fault because she was asleep when it happened (bullshit!)

Sigh.

So, it’s over. I’ll miss the good sex. I’ll miss the passion. I already miss the rituals we shared. Some day I’m sure I’ll even miss her, as soon as I’m done being pissed. I just hope she regains her sanity some day, because that seems to be gone. I worry about D. He’s in a rough spot right now. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s lying to him about what’s happening, and I’m sure he’s buying into whatever she sells him…

For the time being, things are slightly better between myself and A and B. On one hand, I’m pleased with that and hope the upward trend continues. On the other hand I’m kind of pissed that it took C leaving me for this to happen. I’m worried that when some time passes, things will go back to where they were. And if that happens, I may lose some more.

Acceptance is nice

I’m not particularly in-the-closet (except with the in-laws and out-laws), but I’ve also shied away from flaunting my poly nature in front of people I don’t know well, simply because the risk of a negative reaction (rare as those have been for me) outweighs the negligible benefits.
Last year, I was at a con and one of my Linux-geek friends was hanging out with me, drinking beers, when F (yes, I’m introducing a new person, who I am quite affectionate with, though we are not, strictly speaking, partners… she’s part of my family) comes up to me and puts her arm around me. I reciprocate, introduce her to my friend, chat briefly, then we part with a kiss as her boyfriend G comes by. Friend turns to me and says, “Wife?”
“No. Friend.”
“Oh. I thought you were here with your wife.”
“I’m here with B. A stayed at home. She doesn’t like cons.”
Confused look, notices F now heading off hand-in-hand with G, “Husband?”
“Boyfriend. Her husband is up in his hotel room with the baby.”
Confused look.
“Don’t worry. It’s cool. Everybody knows everything.”

Well, recently this friend shared an item in Google Reader, with a comment specifying that this one is for me…

Two years ago today-ish.

Roughly 2 years and 2 months ago, B asked me “If you had the chance to have sex with C, would you?”

Roughly 2 years and 1 month ago, C was at a party at our house, and she responded to some smart-ass comment of mine with “Bite me!”  So of course I walked around behind her and bit her on the junction between neck and shoulder. She clearly liked it. B said, “You can bite him back, if you want,” which C did later on in the evening. Also I gave her a back rub, later in the evening and so help me I started breathing a little heavy…

Roughly 2 years ago, C was over our house talking about her company’s “winter holiday party” (yes, in February), and the fact that she had no date or babysitter for the event and didn’t want to go alone, but didn’t want to miss out on a really nice party.  B offered to watch the kids, but that still left C with no date, so B offered me up for the evening. C hesitantly agreed.

A couple days later, I had a new suit and she had a new cocktail dress (which I later learned her 8 year old daughter declared “too short”) and C came over to pick me up. I was upstairs on the computer when she got here, and I started to head downstairs when I heard B say, “No. You can’t take him. I changed my mind,” then up the stairs towards me, “turn around, back up the steps, you can’t go with her in that dress.” She was joking of course, but… what a dress! Bought just for this evening with me. I honestly felt a little intimidated. I mean, from anybody’s viewpoint at that time, we were still just good (and somewhat affectionate) friends.

She explains to me that this is going to be awkward because she’s spent some time convincing her co-workers that she was a lesbian so that they’d leave her alone. When we get there, I ask if I need to be on my best behavior in order to help her maintain that illusion, or if I can be myself, and she tells me to be myself. And so the touching begins.

Hand on leg, hand in hand, hand in hand up on the table in plain sight, hand on leg under edge of dress (which moved a bit up from its already-to-high-by-8-year-old-standards perch). Arm around shoulders, shoulder rub, neck rub. I fetched drinks, we drank, we danced (slow dances only for us clumsy people). Gazing into eyes. Unexplained smiles. Interesting conversations and pleasant (as opposed to uncomfortable) silences. A complimentary professional photo of us. I walk her out to the car afterwards on slippery icy parking lot pavement (made worse for her by high heels), and I thank her for a wonderful evening. I don’t recall if I asked for a kiss or just made it clear through body language, but we kissed, and then I got in the passenger seat to go home.

I told her it had been a wonderful evening, but that, if she wanted it to go any further, we would need to sit down and discuss things with A and B. She looked a little shocked by that, but not too badly. She said she wasn’t sure what she wanted, but that she did enjoy our date.

I don’t recall exactly how we went from that point to being “in a relationship”, but she spent the next several months “complaining” that her face hurt all the time because it had been so long since she smiled that I was making all those muscles sore. I wasn’t sorry in the least.

Roughly 2 months ago, everything went to hell. We had previously had some differences, some fights, some difficulties, but 2 months ago is when it began to look like we wouldn’t make the second anniversary at all. December was very rough, and we did not speak much nor spend much time together. Her breakup with D made things just that much worse (and, in fact, sparked our meltdown in the first place), but when they patched things up, things got better for a time… but the holidays were busy, and we never got to really heal the hurts like she and D did (because they are now living together, so working things out there is easier as well as a priority).

Roughly 1 month ago, I got upset with C over something, and instead of apologizing or even just acknowledging and disagreeing, she launched a counter-attack. As a result, we spent most of January not communicating or seeing each other either. But after some time, I decided to let go. I let go of my anger. I let go of my need to make her happy in order to be happy myself. I let go of my desire to spend as much time as possible with her. I let go of the relationship… almost completely. And that saved everything. I was able to give her the space she needed to get her thoughts and feelings in order. I was able to be happy and get on with the rest of my life, and quit putting my negative energy back into that feedback loop we were both caught in. As a result, things actually got better pretty quickly.

Roughly 1 day ago, she came over for a party at our house. We kissed, we held hands, I rubbed her back, I got her dessert. She pulled me aside a moment and said, “I really do love you. I’m sorry I’m such a bitch.”

This coming weekend, we celebrate our second anniversary, and I’m feeling fairly confident there will be a third.

Hello (again) world!

I started blogging as “Poly Wolf”, but soon found out on Gmail and Twitter that somebody else had that name already. So everywhere but on WordPress I was Poly Amorwolf. So I’m creating a new WP blog here in order to have the same name across the board. I’ll be moving my old posts here and then closing up shop there. Pardon my mess while under construction…