Jeet Poly Do
So I’m away from home, and reading Bruce Lee’s “Tao of Jeet Kune Do”. It’s about fighting, but it’s also not about fighting. It’s about life. I was intrigued by the following quotes:
“Understanding oneself happens through a process of relationships and not through isolation.”
“To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.”
I paused here, and reflected on this for a bit, but nothing clicked, and I moved on.
Later in the week, I met an attractive lady. An attractive lady who is also smart, demanding, cheerful, and a bit silly. I knew right away I wanted to spend more time with her, and so I did. Funny how I had to travel half way around the world to meet somebody who lives less than 2 hours from my house.
So I spent time getting to know her on a social level, after work (something I would never have the time/ability to do back home), and I would invariably arrive back in my hotel room tired and inebriated, and with somebody or another online to talk to (like C). And after a few days of this, the power of Bruce Lee’s words started to sink in. I’m not just getting to know this new person, I am also (when I take the time to actually reflect on things) learning more about myself. It’s not about how she acts, or how I act, it’s about how we interact.
It’s over now, or mostly so. This new lady has gone back home a few days ago, and I am still here for a few more days. I doubt our paths will cross again other than the occasional work day, but I look forward to the possibility we may one day share wine again, or see another sunset together. Possibly more. Or maybe we’ll simply talk and smile and laugh without pursuing anything further than simple friendship.
My one regret is that A and B found out about it via the internet before I had the occasion to talk to them about it myself, and that was hurtful to them. I should have tried harder to let them know, or at least prepare them that I have something to talk to them about. But the nice thing is, they were pretty understanding about it, and I immediately new I had fucked up in not telling them right away and apologized, so even if I’m not perfect I am getting better. I’ll need some time to reflect on how we interact (together and as pairs) once I get home. Maybe we can all benefit from this episode.
I spent much of my childhood in my own head. I know the landscape pretty well in there still. But I think, reflecting on the quotes above, that one can only get partway to understanding oneself while alone. Not even halfway.
Since the time I awoke to real friendships, in college and then convention-going where I met my loves, my understanding of myself has at least doubled. At least.
EACH new person adds to my understanding of myself, because each new person causes a new dynamic to form. Even the “spear carriers” that you meet only once can leave a deep impression, sometimes.
What I have learned about polyamory is this: time is the most limited and most precious of commodities. When my guys are away, I never begrudge them meeting new people, for two reasons. One: It is how we learn to be better people, more self-informed. Two: I trust each of them to tell me about their time away, and we all know that sex without prior consent is not allowed. Too much chance of endangering many other people thereby, our network is large. But, getting to know someone interesting? Yes! Please.
I also know that many people are not aware of their inner workings and will be puzzled by these thoughts.
Typically, they will be the very extroverted among us. There are others who are more introverted than I am, who will think of outside contact more as intrusion than as anything ultimately good. Another huge difference can be processing time. Some people can express how they feel about something immediately. Others require processing time in order to communicate clearly. I am, as seems usual, somewhere in the mid-range there, too. How would you “classify” yourself?
Thanks for a great response, Terri! I would classify myself as an introvert who tries hard to be an extrovert. Whether I succeed or not depends upon my comfort level, so if you first meet me in comfortable surroundings when I have friends around, I probably seem quite extroverted. If you meet me at work, in a foreign country, I’m much more likely to come across as introverted.
So how did this even happen, if I was in introverted territory? I don’t know. Something about her (and the Italian wine we shared) just made me feel unusually comfortable considering the circumstances. I crawled out of my shell and let a good portion of myself show to my co-workers, which is a bit scary, but I think I walked a good tightrope there.
I can express how I feel immediately. And how! But it’s usually best if I can give myself a few days to settle my emotional side down and think about things more objectively.
I have agreements with A & B about what is or is not acceptable behavior, but a part of that is letting them know when something happens, and due to several busy days and late nights, alcohol, and time zones, they wound up finding out via a text to my phone (sitting at home) from an internet friend of mine (whom I can send a quick joyful text to without having to take time to explain anything). Sigh. Lesson learned. No lasting harm done.