Acceptance is nice

I’m not particularly in-the-closet (except with the in-laws and out-laws), but I’ve also shied away from flaunting my poly nature in front of people I don’t know well, simply because the risk of a negative reaction (rare as those have been for me) outweighs the negligible benefits.
Last year, I was at a con and one of my Linux-geek friends was hanging out with me, drinking beers, when F (yes, I’m introducing a new person, who I am quite affectionate with, though we are not, strictly speaking, partners… she’s part of my family) comes up to me and puts her arm around me. I reciprocate, introduce her to my friend, chat briefly, then we part with a kiss as her boyfriend G comes by. Friend turns to me and says, “Wife?”
“No. Friend.”
“Oh. I thought you were here with your wife.”
“I’m here with B. A stayed at home. She doesn’t like cons.”
Confused look, notices F now heading off hand-in-hand with G, “Husband?”
“Boyfriend. Her husband is up in his hotel room with the baby.”
Confused look.
“Don’t worry. It’s cool. Everybody knows everything.”

Well, recently this friend shared an item in Google Reader, with a comment specifying that this one is for me…

Two years ago today-ish.

Roughly 2 years and 2 months ago, B asked me “If you had the chance to have sex with C, would you?”

Roughly 2 years and 1 month ago, C was at a party at our house, and she responded to some smart-ass comment of mine with “Bite me!”  So of course I walked around behind her and bit her on the junction between neck and shoulder. She clearly liked it. B said, “You can bite him back, if you want,” which C did later on in the evening. Also I gave her a back rub, later in the evening and so help me I started breathing a little heavy…

Roughly 2 years ago, C was over our house talking about her company’s “winter holiday party” (yes, in February), and the fact that she had no date or babysitter for the event and didn’t want to go alone, but didn’t want to miss out on a really nice party.  B offered to watch the kids, but that still left C with no date, so B offered me up for the evening. C hesitantly agreed.

A couple days later, I had a new suit and she had a new cocktail dress (which I later learned her 8 year old daughter declared “too short”) and C came over to pick me up. I was upstairs on the computer when she got here, and I started to head downstairs when I heard B say, “No. You can’t take him. I changed my mind,” then up the stairs towards me, “turn around, back up the steps, you can’t go with her in that dress.” She was joking of course, but… what a dress! Bought just for this evening with me. I honestly felt a little intimidated. I mean, from anybody’s viewpoint at that time, we were still just good (and somewhat affectionate) friends.

She explains to me that this is going to be awkward because she’s spent some time convincing her co-workers that she was a lesbian so that they’d leave her alone. When we get there, I ask if I need to be on my best behavior in order to help her maintain that illusion, or if I can be myself, and she tells me to be myself. And so the touching begins.

Hand on leg, hand in hand, hand in hand up on the table in plain sight, hand on leg under edge of dress (which moved a bit up from its already-to-high-by-8-year-old-standards perch). Arm around shoulders, shoulder rub, neck rub. I fetched drinks, we drank, we danced (slow dances only for us clumsy people). Gazing into eyes. Unexplained smiles. Interesting conversations and pleasant (as opposed to uncomfortable) silences. A complimentary professional photo of us. I walk her out to the car afterwards on slippery icy parking lot pavement (made worse for her by high heels), and I thank her for a wonderful evening. I don’t recall if I asked for a kiss or just made it clear through body language, but we kissed, and then I got in the passenger seat to go home.

I told her it had been a wonderful evening, but that, if she wanted it to go any further, we would need to sit down and discuss things with A and B. She looked a little shocked by that, but not too badly. She said she wasn’t sure what she wanted, but that she did enjoy our date.

I don’t recall exactly how we went from that point to being “in a relationship”, but she spent the next several months “complaining” that her face hurt all the time because it had been so long since she smiled that I was making all those muscles sore. I wasn’t sorry in the least.

Roughly 2 months ago, everything went to hell. We had previously had some differences, some fights, some difficulties, but 2 months ago is when it began to look like we wouldn’t make the second anniversary at all. December was very rough, and we did not speak much nor spend much time together. Her breakup with D made things just that much worse (and, in fact, sparked our meltdown in the first place), but when they patched things up, things got better for a time… but the holidays were busy, and we never got to really heal the hurts like she and D did (because they are now living together, so working things out there is easier as well as a priority).

Roughly 1 month ago, I got upset with C over something, and instead of apologizing or even just acknowledging and disagreeing, she launched a counter-attack. As a result, we spent most of January not communicating or seeing each other either. But after some time, I decided to let go. I let go of my anger. I let go of my need to make her happy in order to be happy myself. I let go of my desire to spend as much time as possible with her. I let go of the relationship… almost completely. And that saved everything. I was able to give her the space she needed to get her thoughts and feelings in order. I was able to be happy and get on with the rest of my life, and quit putting my negative energy back into that feedback loop we were both caught in. As a result, things actually got better pretty quickly.

Roughly 1 day ago, she came over for a party at our house. We kissed, we held hands, I rubbed her back, I got her dessert. She pulled me aside a moment and said, “I really do love you. I’m sorry I’m such a bitch.”

This coming weekend, we celebrate our second anniversary, and I’m feeling fairly confident there will be a third.

Hello (again) world!

I started blogging as “Poly Wolf”, but soon found out on Gmail and Twitter that somebody else had that name already. So everywhere but on WordPress I was Poly Amorwolf. So I’m creating a new WP blog here in order to have the same name across the board. I’ll be moving my old posts here and then closing up shop there. Pardon my mess while under construction…

Long overdue update.

First off, I’ve decided that the number system I’ve been using is a tad confusing. I’ll eventually go back and edit all previous posts, but from here on I will start calling the folks in my core family by initials:
#1 == A
#2 == B
#3 == C
#3′s #2 == D

So we can diagram it like this (and hope the formatting works)

A--Me--B
   |
   C--D

I know my last post was about “letting go”, but it really took until this past week to let go of C, to stop basing my happiness almost entirely on the condition of our relationship, and to just say “If we can work things out, fantastic; if we can’t, I happy to have had her in my life for a couple years.”  Making this move has done a lot to improve my mental health and happiness, and (I think) hers as well. She needs some time and space to heal herself, to stop being angry, and to remember why she loved me in the first place and how happy we used to be. I saw her last night, in a friendly capacity (dinner with A, B, C, and C’s kids), and when I sent her my daily morning text, I got a “love you too”, which hasn’t happened in a number of days, so I think we can maybe salvage things still. D has been fantastic in supporting me, trying to mediate things between C and I. He could more easily do nothing, or even say things that would convince her to end it, and then have her all to himself. It’s a testament to his character, and I’m proud to have him as my boyfriend-in-law.

Things are still going up and down with B, but the general trend is upward, and the ups are longer than the downs are, though I’m now fighting for her attention with an online addiction.

Need to work on the relationship with A. She’s been having a bit of an attitude lately, and it seems that the cause behind it is that she’s feeling neglected, and unhappy that we no longer share very many interests. When we met some 21 years ago, nearly all of our interests were shared, but we’ve been growing apart and each of us has new interests that the other does not share. I try to do things with her for the sake of doing things with her, but that just leaves her feeling guilty that she’s “making” me do something I don’t really want to do. Catch 22.

That’s it in a nutshell. Busy life lately, and starting to suffer from Winter’s grip. I always lose motivation to do things this time of year…

It's scary, letting go.

Today I am in a relationship with 3 women. Tomorrow I may be in a relationship with none of them. It’s a little intimidating scary as all fucking hell.
Since the big fight with C, things haven’t quite been the same. She’s no longer sure what she wants, and so I’m not sure where things are going.
Discussing things with B last night, neither of us is currently very happy with the way things are, and we’ve both been unhappy trying to make each other happy. Now we’re each going to try to make ourselves happy, and see if that works any better. And nobody really knows what this means.
Also in last night’s discussion was A, who is also unhappy, but primarily because B is unhappy. She’s not very emotive, but I suspect that if things go south with B, then things will also go south with A.
It could all go very badly. Or it could all go very well. The only certainty in life is that I will always have myself, and so I must make myself happy. I must be happy with myself. But after 21 years of never being alone, 6 years of having a polyfi family, and 2 years of having 3 loving relationships, the idea that it could all fall apart in the near future is unfathomably frightening.

And I just keep hearing George Michael’s “Freedom” in my head… And Shakespeare:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

It takes two, baby.

Doesn’t do you any good to talk if the person you’re talking to won’t listen.
Doesn’t do you any good to listen if the person you’re listening to won’t talk.
If you don’t share your pain, you can’t lessen it.
If you “share” your pain by inflicting pain on those who care about you, you will only multiply your own.

Vive la difference… or not.

Sometimes differences can be extremely enjoyable, like sweet and sour sauce. Sometimes they work great as a team, like “good cop, bad cop”. Sometimes they’re just annoying, like a morning person and a night owl cohabitating. I’ve discovered a difference that’s painful, and potentially relationship-ending.

When I’m upset, I want attention. I get downright pissy if I am ignored (or feel I am being ignored) when I am upset. Likewise, when somebody I love is upset, I’m right there for them, asking what’s wrong, what can I do, and just generally trying to comfort them and make the upset go away.
When C is upset, she wants space. She doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t even want a comforting touch on the shoulder. She just wants to be left alone until she can get past the major portion of upsetness. She also, apparently, gives space to others when they are upset.
The stage is set…

So she and I had a talk Sunday about what my place is in her life, and where does she see the relationship going in the future. I didn’t get bad answers, but they were… less than perfect. All said and done, I could live with it, and was happier for knowing than being uncertain.
Sunday night we chatted about other things, and I got the feeling that she was setting up space between us, keeping me at a distance. Which feels a bit contradictory to her recent complaint that “it feels like you’re just here for the sex” and “I don’t want somebody who’s just a fuckbuddy”. I don’t want that either. And yet, here’s me trying to get closer, and here’s her pushing me away. I’m feeling like a fuckbuddy.
By Monday, some of what she said had settled, and I had some new questions and concerns. I chatted her up on IM and asked if she would be busy at lunch, because I’d like to talk. No immediate response. A couple hours later she gives me a non-reply of “what do you want to talk about?”. She’s also informed me that her day’s gone downhill since our morning chat, and she’s moody. I decide I don’t need to talk to her at lunch because if she’s in a bad mood, it’ll likely turn into a fight. I offer to listen if she wants to vent about why she’s in a bad mood. She declines. I’m being pushed further away.
She does not talk to me the rest of that day, except to reply to my goodnight text. The next day, she IM’s me to say we’ll talk later, but she has to run out to do a few things, and she logs off before I can reply. At lunch she’s online again, but informs me that she’s not done, and is going to “head back out in a minute”. Fortyfive minutes later, she’s still online, hasn’t headed back out. I get into a snit. “When you’re done avoiding me, let me know.”
Whoa. Wrong thing to say at the wrong time.
Turns out D broke up with her (I got this from him… she never did explain any of why she was upset). Why she wouldn’t tell me this, I have no idea… But now I’m the asshole (in her eyes) for how I’ve behaved, and officially she and I are through, though she was in hysterics at the time, and I am waiting for her to calm down and either discuss things with me or tell me we’re through in a calm frame of mind before I accept it.
And it all boils down to that one difference. Because she felt crowded and harassed, and I felt pushed away and ignored. A little communication on her part could have avoided it all. A little more patience on my part could have made it all a non-issue. Instead, we both mourn.